So, I guess I haven't posted since April 26th, the day before Geoff's birthday. Wow, that was a long time ago. A lifetime ago. It seems, looking back, that every month is a different lifetime. Who I was at the end of January was Kate of four lifetimes ago. Newbie-mom Kate. Scared-of-everything Kate. Oh-my-God-I'm-going-to-break-the-baby Kate. If-I-don't-get-some-sleep-I'm-going-to-die Kate.

Who am I now, then? Confident-mama Kate? A little bit I suppose. That nervous new feeling has worn off. We've settled into a sort-of routine, although everything shifts a little bit from day to day. I'm also full-of-regrets Kate.

I feel terrible that I haven't been keeping written record of everything that's happening in our lives. I mean, Leo now rolls a bit, giggles sometimes, smiles often. He is eating rice cereal for breakfast every morning. He has two teeth about to erupt. I have photos of absolutely everything, but no words. I still haven't recorded the story of his birth, and it gets fuzzier by the day. In the beginning, I told myself that recording everything would get in the way of experiencing it. But now I struggle to clearly remember those experiences.

It was cold then, feet of snow on the ground. I would go days without touching my laptop, so engrossed in this little bundle of love that I never put down. Spending my days falling in love, my sleepless nights spent falling apart. Fierce primal love and desperation. Even our home felt new with our little lion there.

It's summer now, the flowers blooming. I spend too much of my time on the computer, with the TV on. He's growing, and fast. 20 lbs of drooly, playful joy. I now struggle to find balance between loving him and performing my household duties. He wins hands down, but that means often I'm losing. I struggle to balance loving my son with loving my husband. I just struggle.

But waking up to the beaming smile of my son, my sun, I can't help but feel so complete.