I often feel like I don't take Leo out often enough to learn about and get to enjoy the world. We go on walk all the time, sure, but living in a suburban community (I use the term loosely, there's no real "community" here) on the side of a mountain when you have no vehicle makes it rather difficult to get into town.

But yesterday we had a chance to really do something. The annual Armstrong Fair was open! So we loaded up the Grandparent's vehicle and headed out on a two hour drive to the Interior Provincial Expedition. It's an agricultural fair with lots of livestock/animals and a midway, as well as many vendors and a fantastic food fair. The last time I went to the fair, I was 16. I spent the whole time drinking, toking and going on rides. Not my proudest point. Needless to say, I had a very different experience this year. It was so exciting to experience the fair through the eyes of motherhood.

The majority of our time was spent just wandering among the different booths and vendors. We briefly visited the poultry barn but the roosters terrified Leo. We left pretty quickly when he began screaming. We unfortunately weren't able to visit the cows or pigs and the like, because the barns were so dusty that they were irritating baby boy's asthma, but he seemed to have a blast looking around at all the people as we wandered.

When we got hungry we decided that instead of eating at the dusty, overcrowded food fair, we would have a picnic at this beautiful park an hour away. It was so wonderful. I'm exhausted tonight and words are escaping me but yesterday was the best day I've had in so very long.

Leo & his maternal grandparents.

Enough pictures to bore a person to death, but to me, this is perfection.

Oh little blog, how easy it is to neglect thee

I don't have the discipline required for blogging, and it's so disappointing. One post in June, none in July. What is that? I guess I'm pretty busy actually living my life, so I'm left with no time to record it. Even saying that sounds a little hokey, though, 'cause my life really isn't that busy. Let's see what happened in July.

-Leo got his 6 month vaccinations. It was a pretty big deal to me because he was so amazingly good. I think he cried for maybe 10 seconds, until I grabbed the rainstick toy he seemed to enjoy so much after he got his 4 month shots. I'm still on the lookout to buy one of those.

-On the same day as his vaccinations, Leo graduated from an infant carrier to a convertible car seat. Big boy!

-I ordered and received a new mei tai style baby carrier. It's so pretty, and much much cooler than the old Moby Wrap we were using. He seems to enjoy it quite a bit, and it's very comfortable to wear. Also much cooler for summer use. I'm so happy we've got it.

-Leo mastered his rolling skills completely! It was so much fun to watch him actually enjoy tummy time now that he can get onto his back again if he feels like it.

-Food! The little one has begun discovering the joys of food, both semi- and solid. So far he's tried banana, strawberry, pears, peas, carrots, sweet potato, regular potato, pork, poached egg, watermelon, yogurt, meringue, and beef jerky (oops!). His favourites are definitely pears and watermelon, and yogurt too.

-We celebrated Leo's half birthday by staying in our pajamas all day and just hanging out. Incidentally, this was the day his first two teeth decided to make an entrance!

-We ordered and received a new stroller, the Mamas & Papas Luna Mix. It is a three wheeler as opposed to our old four wheel Graco travel system. Strangely, our transit system requires that infants be in a stroller when you enter/leave the bus. This leaves us without the ability to babywear while traveling, as we don't own a car.

I know that there were more eventful things that happened last month, but this mama is tired! We went with my parents to watch the Snowbirds today, and it was hot and the little guy didn't nap today so he was cranky. He is slapping my breast and whining as I type. I hope I don't decide to take another month long hiatus after this!

So, I guess I haven't posted since April 26th, the day before Geoff's birthday. Wow, that was a long time ago. A lifetime ago. It seems, looking back, that every month is a different lifetime. Who I was at the end of January was Kate of four lifetimes ago. Newbie-mom Kate. Scared-of-everything Kate. Oh-my-God-I'm-going-to-break-the-baby Kate. If-I-don't-get-some-sleep-I'm-going-to-die Kate.

Who am I now, then? Confident-mama Kate? A little bit I suppose. That nervous new feeling has worn off. We've settled into a sort-of routine, although everything shifts a little bit from day to day. I'm also full-of-regrets Kate.

I feel terrible that I haven't been keeping written record of everything that's happening in our lives. I mean, Leo now rolls a bit, giggles sometimes, smiles often. He is eating rice cereal for breakfast every morning. He has two teeth about to erupt. I have photos of absolutely everything, but no words. I still haven't recorded the story of his birth, and it gets fuzzier by the day. In the beginning, I told myself that recording everything would get in the way of experiencing it. But now I struggle to clearly remember those experiences.

It was cold then, feet of snow on the ground. I would go days without touching my laptop, so engrossed in this little bundle of love that I never put down. Spending my days falling in love, my sleepless nights spent falling apart. Fierce primal love and desperation. Even our home felt new with our little lion there.

It's summer now, the flowers blooming. I spend too much of my time on the computer, with the TV on. He's growing, and fast. 20 lbs of drooly, playful joy. I now struggle to find balance between loving him and performing my household duties. He wins hands down, but that means often I'm losing. I struggle to balance loving my son with loving my husband. I just struggle.

But waking up to the beaming smile of my son, my sun, I can't help but feel so complete.

Stolen night time cuddles, nom noms, and a new dad's birthday.

Right now my handsome lover is rocking our beautiful little love cub. This is the first time the lion baby hasn't nursed himself to sleep.

I wish I could take a picture without waking the sleeping beauty. Instead, here's a picture of him hanging with his favourite things in the world, his nom noms.

It's his dad's birthday tomorrow. Leo and I will hang out at home while Dad goes golfing, and then in the evening the little lion will hang out with his Nana and Grandpa (my parents) while we go out for dinner with Geoff's mom. We're going to his work for dinner, so I know it will be delicious. I have 15 oz of freshly expressed milk, and over 50 oz in the freezer, so maybe I'll even treat myself to a caesar.

I'm excited to go out for dinner but I'm reluctant to leave my little cutie with my mother, even though Leo knows her better than anyone other than his dad and I. She's fantastic with him and I know he'll be fine, but he is all I think about when we're apart. I'm not worried about him, I'm worried about me.

Everyone says I need to take time away from my beautiful son, but I don't want to. I love him so intensely, it's like my heart stays with him when I leave. It's like the most intense, brand-new puppy-love feeling in the world. He gives me purpose and joy. Why should I want to leave him?

I'm intensely jealous of how he stole our evening cuddles away tonight. I need to learn to let go a bit. But you've seen the picture, how could someone want to let go of that?

My birthday present was my son receiving a spinal tap.

(Not really, but the events did overlap.)

I'm not entirely certain why I haven't posted in weeks. Life sure can get away from me sometimes! I've been busy with the Little Lion, who is a bigger handful by the day. He's all smiles and coos, and very fiery when he doesn't get what he wants immediately. I can't really complain, as he sleeps an eight hour stretch nearly every night and is just so cheerful.

It hasn't been all sunshine and daisies, however. When the hubby and I woke up on the morning of the 6th, we immediately knew something wasn't right. At the Little Lion's 2 AM feeding, he seemed quite upset and unwilling to nurse. I figured his gums were bothering him, so we just settled back into bed. When we woke up at 6 AM, Leo was whimpering, moaning and sputtering in ways we had never heard before. He still would not nurse, and seemed to be in extreme pain. We took him to the doctor as soon as they opened at 9AM and they sent us immediately to see a pediatrician the emergency department at the hospital. The form she gave us to take along was covered in illegible doctor's scrawl, but I was able to make out the word encephalitis. I think my heart stopped for a moment. His fontanel pulsed visibly under the thin veil of strawberry hair.

It felt like we waited for years with our moaning, feverish babe curled up in my arms. Engorged, I hunched over a sink and cried as my milk and tears swirled down the drain. The pediatrician was very kind. Leo was sick, very sick. Meningitis? Admitted. Prepped for IV. You may not want to watch, they said. I didn't. I'm not sure I could see through my tears. They assured me that he wouldn't be aware of my absence. I'm not sure how assuring that was. Shaking and moaning, both my child in the circus-mural room and I in the cheerful beach-themed consultation room. I could hear the needle going in. A nurse I hadn't met before came in to say we should leave for a while; Little Lion would be getting a spinal tap. A fucking spinal tap. My baby.

We spent three days in the hospital, my beautiful boy hooked up to too many beeping machines and bags of fluids and medicines. I slept with him in my lap every night; he would scream and writhe without me.

The fluid from his lumbar puncture was flown to a lab in The Big City. His brain wasn't swelling. Sigh of relief. They still don't know what happened.

On the second day, my 21st birthday, Leo began to smile again. Everything began to improve. My heart healed as he became himself again. I don't know what to say. There was no climactic moment when everything changed. He just slowly gained his strength back, began to again nurse with a burning passion. On the third day, with no diagnosis other than a possible stomach virus, we were given the OK to go home.

My heart aches just thinking about it. Perhaps that's why my writing is so jumbled. All I know is that my son is healthy and he's in my arms. We're home and we're OK. There is nothing more we need.

(Picture was taken the day after we were discharged.)

wordless wednesday

I wish I was writing here more often, but when I have time to do things, blogging is usually at the bottom of the list.

Geoff lost one of his jobs last week, which left us in a financial crunch that we're still crawling out of. Of course, this is exactly when everything decides to go wrong. My Evenflo Comfort Select Performance decided to fail me, so we decided to invest in a Medela swing (although I don't agree with their business ethics). We were hoping to wait until we had the money, but there was just no way to wait unless we wanted to give Leo more formula (which is a whole different topic).

Poor Leo. I signed us up for a bunch of free gifts (from reputable sources of course) and among other things, we received a free tin of Enfamil formula. Leo usually gets only 6 oz of formula a day, of the Good Start variety. Being in a tough spot money-wise, we decided to give the Enfamil a shot. Baaaad idea. For the next couple days, Leo was horribly constipated. Each time he would manage to pass a bit, he would cry and scream in pain. It was the first time he'd ever dealt with this issue and it just broke our hearts each time he would go through such pain and energy only to find such minimal relief.

Naturally, we nixed the Enfamil and managed to find the funds for his regular stuff. It's not cheap; I'm glad he mainly breastfeeds. As (bad) luck would have it, mere hours after spending the money we received a free tin in the mail.

I also had some dental work that needed to be done before my dental runs out in the beginning of April but even with coverage, it is just not feasible right now.

So in a lot of ways, it is a difficult time right now, but Leo is my ray of sunshine through the clouds. He smiles and coos a fair bit now, and is even okay to hang out in his swing or vibrating chair for anywhere up to an hour.

Despite our struggles, I feel fantastically blessed to be the mother of this amazing child.